These are conversations between the kids and their Daddy.
[two nights ago]
Son: I want Mommy.
Me: Mommy’s taking a little rest because she’s tired.
Daughter: Why is she tired?
Me: Because she’s pregnant.
Son: Except, except, except the baby in her tummy’s not real.
Me: Yes it is.
Son: [sing-songy] No, it isn’t!
Me: The baby in Mommy’s tummy is real.
Son: What does it say on that sign? [a sign hanging from their bedroom door]
Me: It says, “Leave me alone; I’m sleeping.”
Son: What does the other side say?
Me: It says, “Come clean up my room.”
Daughter: Let’s pretend this is a hotel, and tomorrow we can turn the sign over and the maid can come clean our room, and the maid can be mother.
Me: Mommy’s not your maid, and it’s rude to pretend that other people are your maids.
Daughter: Why?
Me: Because being a maid isn’t a fun job.
Daughter: But why do people do it?
Me: Because they have to work, right?
Daughter: What hotel is that sign from?
Me: A hotel called Virgin River Casino.
Daughter: Did you stay there while I was alive?
Me: Yeah, I’ve stayed there before we were married, and once when we were married and you weren’t born yet, and once when you were a baby.
Daughter: Why did you only get one sign?
Me: Because I didn’t know if I was going to have kids or how many I’d have.
Daughter: You didn’t know if your body couldn’t have kids?
Me: Yeah. I hadn’t tried yet.
Daughter: A daddy can’t have kids on his own!
Son: And a mommy can’t have kids on her own, too!
Daughter: Can a cow and a horse get married and have a baby?
Me: No.
Daughter: Can a person from one country and a person from a different country get married and have a baby?
Me: Yes.
Daughter: Why?
Me: Because people from different countries are both still people, right?
Daughter: Then why can’t a cow and a horse get married and have a baby?
Me: Because they’re different animals. A horse and a donkey can have a baby, and a cow and a bison can have a baby.
Daughter: Why?
Me: Because Heavenly Father made them that way.
Son: Can an alligator and a crocodile?
Me: I don’t know.
Son: Can two birds?
Me: Yes, if they’re the same type of bird.
Daughter: What about a balded eagle and a blue jay?
Me: No.
Daughter: Why?
Me: Because Heavenly Father made them that way.
Son: Can a house and another house?
Me: Yes, a house and another house can get married and have a baby.
Son: Houses don’t have legs!
Daughter: Can two crabs?
Me: If they’re the same type of crab.
Daughter: What about a crab and a sea crab?
Me: I think all crabs are sea crabs.
Daughter: What do crabs do?
Me: They go “pinch, pinch,” and “eat, eat,” and “poop, poop.”
Daughter: Why do crabs pinch?
Me: Because Heavenly Father made them that way.
Son: Can two cars?
Me: Yes, two cars can get married and have a baby.
Son: Can a car and a race car?
Me: Yes.
Son: Cars don’t have legs!
[last night]
Son: Let’s go Royals! Let’s go Royals!
Daughter: You’re supposed to clap in between like this. [clap, clap, clap-clap-clap]
Son: Let’s go Royals! [spit, spit, spit-spit-spit] Let’s go Royals! [spit, spit, spit-spit-spit]